blahvlahflah

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 14:40:50 GMT

You know that you should mind your own business when the person you are concerned about doesn't bother about their own stuff. Why waste time and energy over other peoples matter

How silly. Don't come crying regret to me later. Cos the only response will be, I told you so

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 07:51:07 GMT

i'm finally in front of the computer again. this makes me feel more alive than sitting in front of the tv since i came back on thurs (today is monday). slacking around makes me tired actualy i think. lol.

so much has happened since my last post. i went to nz, then met vincent at the departure hall, then i went out with my platoonmates, then i went out with my aj classmates. ups and downs which i shall not elaborate here. but it's great to meet up with old friends and know that you are loved. i've not felt this way about my aj classmates before. oli might call the boys childish. but i find them quite sincere, really. and amusing. they made me laugh like i've not, for a long time.

i've lost the opportunity to hang out with the law ppl i feel. it might be because i've been hanging out with vincent i feel. but it's okay really. there are still people in law school that i hold dear. a few, but they have stood the test of time and the test of inconvenience. i guess, for the rest, maybe it was all out of convenience.

no i've not given up on making friends. just, i don't know, aware that they arent really that truly concerned about my life.

i might have been on an emotional roller-coaster. no one said that it's a bad thing. cos it means great things have happened. i guess now i'm just figuring out my future.

fireflies

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:17:00 GMT

hee hee. i hope my sister does not see this.

but contrary to what i told her, FIREFLIES is actually stuck in my head. lol.

the lyrics arent nonsense actually. they make sense to me. somehow

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

i've always wanted to see fireflies for myself

law school reflections

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 09:23:30 GMT

i like how when i first came into law school, all that went through my mind was, "is he weird. should i not mix ard with him" -- the usually kiddo friend-friend mentality

now, after 2 years, what goes through my mind is "is he being a fake-o? is he just trying to manipulate me? can he be trusted? sigh, let's just not trust him"

if what they say is true -- that your envt is what you make out of it-- i cannot explain my mentality

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:02:08 GMT

i'm not joking

i really think i'm going crazy.

believe me.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:44:27 GMT

today in ethics class, someone said something i actually found interesting

class: committing suicide is illegal in singapore
speaker: no, that's not true. attempting suicide is illegal and u'll get handcuffed. but no, committing suicide isnt. just make sure u do a clean job.

i'm gloomy. i'm dark. i hate this world.

i hate myself.

i hate how i think about myself only. i hate how others think about themselves only.

i hate how people are fake. i hate how i give in to being fake.

i'm a horrible person. i want to be myself.

is being horrible or fake worse?

explain to me how i can i am supposed to react when i know people are fake but i cannot tell those that actually trust these people?

explain to me how to be that fake.

explain to me how to smile and pretend i am ur friend just cos i need your help

explain to me why this world is superficially colourful.

explain to me how i can control all these overwhelming emotions.

and so the topic was, should assisted suicide be legal?

i think, people should stop being selfish and just kill themselves and spare their loved ones the guilt from killing

what a horrible thing to legalise.

they should legalise suicide, and not assisted suicide.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:30:21 GMT

sometimes i don't understand why i cannot control my moods.

i try my best. but i end up getting exasperated with myself and other people and inanimate objects :(

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 11:47:26 GMT

people have feelings too. I HAVE FEELINGS TOO. no matter how boyish i may be. no matter how i seem to be fun to poke fun at, i have feelings.

i'm already more emotional and sensitive than most people.

no matter how smart you are, u've failed to see that.

i hate you. the people i call my friends

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:36:20 GMT

my world now: research papers, me myself and the boyfriend. occasional catching up with the girlfriends.

no. law school students are not part of my world. they are figures in the library i say hi to and get pretty surprised when they are nice to me, get wtf at when they act as though i owe them my life, get jaded at, and cannot be bothered with.

looking at some profs, feeling that they are damn biased, damn unfair, damn wth and then come to the realisation that i wasted my time thinking about how horrible they are, cos that isnt going to change them

am i the only unhappy person in law school? i wonder why i call it law school instead of my school.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 12:03:04 GMT

i used to think that at the very least, the "neighbourhood" gang in law school arent that fake.

but WTF. they are fucking bitchy.

if ppl are bitchy to u, u should be bitchy back to them right?

fuck bitches. i hate them.

but i shall not bitch back at them. cos i'm not a bitch like them.

i'm better than that.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 03:14:10 GMT

i love my Cappuccino

i need my cappuccino...

tired...i'm starting to get reliant on coffee again

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 07:14:32 GMT

today i went to talk to a prof about the research paper that I have to write. He was really sweet to me. really.

being socially awkward me, i didnt really talk much about personal stuff but he egged me on... somehow i managed to ask him what i've always been bothered by --not being a shining enough star. i didnt have to use much words. i didnt have to explain much to him

he understood. he knew where i was coming from.

he told me i was special. he told me that even if my GPA isnt that high, even if i don't speak as well or write as well as others, there was something about me that set me apart from the rest. it was really sweet of him. and being me, i obviously asked him if he was just trying to be nice. (ok something that i think u arent supposed to ask). but he said he wasnt. and that there is really really no need for me to be lack of confidence!

then he went on to share with me how one day, i will be able to find something in law that i'm really interested in. somethign that will get me all excited over. something that the disillusionment that i have now cannot steal away the excitement i'll have

it is indeed quite exciting to even think about it now. to know that somehow, somewhere, sometime, i'll be able to find somethign that i'd be interested in.

i'm really rather happy that he sees something in me (: (though i really do not know what. lol. just like how i do not know what my bf sees in me. lol)

but i know i have to bear in my that i have to find my confidence. have to. somehow. hopefully i will wake up one day with it :P

(:

maybe it is true that everyone is made for something special (:

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 00:28:21 GMT

i want to shine like a star.

i want so badly to. i don't want to just be someone hiding at one dark corner. i believe i was made for more than this

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:30:44 GMT

i did a survey today. about whether i think character is genetically inherited. it related to how far a criminal should be punished for things he did not out of his free volition and whether he should be punished also because he was born like that.

am i born like that?

was i born escapist? was i born without feeling proud of myself? was i born with a bad temper? was i born unhappy

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:12:55 GMT

I'd never want to go home again. I need not be told how much I'm disliked all the time

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 12:20:36 GMT

i don't want to grow up. i don't want to be saddled with responsibilities and the need to feel responsible. i don't like how it comes with expectations of others being responsible too. i don't like how the world is unfair. i don't like how things don't go the way i want it.

i spent 1500k booking flights online. but i happily keyed in the wrong email. now i don't have my e-ticket and i don't know if the airlines will reply my email. i do hope they do.

emotions. angst. mood swings. depression. i have plenty of them nowadays. why. why. why. i don't like the part of me. can emotions even be done away with? yea managing is one thing. but doing away with it? is it possible?

sometimes i'd want to jsut be like allen boy. i think it's just so much easier

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 17:12:50 GMT

query where the tears flow from

From the sudden realisation that there is no point treating anyone, not even my family well cos I'll only end up being made used of?
From the realisation that my previous conception of siblings was wrong?
That I really never should put in so much effort for them cos they don't value u anyway?

From the realisation of naiveness. From the disillusionment extending even to my siblings.

What is there left to hope for? Am I bring sensitive again or Is this just harsh reality?

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 10:38:17 GMT

one whole day of meeting, another whole day of writing what was discussed and more into words.

i ought to feel a sense of fulfillment. but somehow, it's still tied to grades. even if i think i made good sense, i worry that the prof thinks otherwise.

sigh. why cant my sense of fulfillment be tied to the effort i put in?

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:04:49 GMT

Do not ever go to chan brothers to book a free and easy trip. Do not. ESP this guy called David. He will reprimand u for being stupid, for asking him things tt can be found on google or the Internet. He said, I believe these things can be found simply on google."

Ok then tell me what the hell is chan brothers for. For fuck.

Oh tour agency is just to be the "booker" of flights and accommodation. Not for u to ask things that can be found on the internet. Ok I get it. Another notable change due to the Internet. I think then with such minimal role for tour agencies, they might as well close down. Cos we would be able to do everything "on the Internet"

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 00:15:06 GMT

Tell me of something happy,
tell me of someone nice.
Let me know this world isnt
As bad as I thought

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 13:57:18 GMT

Having thoughts and thoughtsl fill up my head over and over again. I have so much angst so much, so much

Maybe i'm just slow and the result being the realisation becomes all the more impactful and the more hurtful

Who to trust. Tell me who. U cannot give me the answer ty though this person Is an ass and doesn't think im very capable, he is still my good friend. That's BULLSHIT. He either will never betray u for himself or he will. No in between. If he is an ass, he is.

I hate this world. Hate it. Why do people joke ard with others that they cannot trust? Why do ppl act friendly when they don't mean it! that's fake. Diplomacy is an excuse!

U are either nice or u are not. Don't fake it. It's very telling.

I'm hostile to you if I think you are an ass. I cannot help it. I am either hostile or I'm not. Period

Why would I care how the rest of the world feels? As though they'd bother about me. No reciprocity to speak of!

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 09:50:45 GMT

some people are really so disgustingly JIAN4 that i wanna just spit at them!

it's worse when others have this misconception that they are good, helpful and wonderful people! when all they are good at doing is to conceal their unethical intentions with outwardly superficial "kind" acts!

please. i hope people see the truth one day. that day ought come soon, lest they get manipulated too!

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 13:50:30 GMT

in the end, what can u say, what can u say, WHAT CAN U SAY?

ethics?

nah.

each man for himself.

what is the message u are giving out?

nah. do u even care?

ok. so now what? play the game or leave it?

nah. u dun have a choice.

u have ur own interests to protect.

welcome to the game you entered 2 years ago.

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 09:11:43 GMT

i really wonder if what my parents say of my change really as bad as they think it is. all around me i see my friends acting the way i am -- loving life, not striving that hard for school, just relaxing and reminiscing the memories we used to have.

or ought i be what i've always been? the one that strives for excellence, work work work, with a goal in mind and eventually have something on paper to show for that.

and then the question arise. why not achieve both?

i guess if it was really that easy, or if i had that much confidence in my time managemnet skills, then i wouldnt be becoming one or the other.

i wonder how i should really lead my life. i'm torn.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 10:34:26 GMT

what we all have to begin to realise is that sometimes, people just don't like you. you can complain about everything they do to you. but you have to realise that what they do, is directed to YOU. maybe some other people as well. but generally, not to everyone.

special you perhaps may be? nah. i think it's either that the people around me have grown increasingly cynical, or that they were what they are now from the start. just that i always failed to realise what they were like.

did i say i no longer feel attached to law school? or rather, i really dun like it.