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i've always wanted to see fireflies for myself

i like how when i first came into law school, all that went through my mind was, "is he weird. should i not mix ard with him" -- the usually kiddo friend-friend mentality

now, after 2 years, what goes through my mind is "is he being a fake-o? is he just trying to manipulate me? can he be trusted? sigh, let's just not trust him"

if what they say is true -- that your envt is what you make out of it-- i cannot explain my mentality

 i'm not joking

i really think i'm going crazy. 

believe me. 

 today in ethics class, someone said something i actually found interesting

class: committing suicide is illegal in singapore
speaker: no, that's not true. attempting suicide is illegal and u'll get handcuffed. but no, committing suicide isnt. just make sure u do a clean job. 

i'm gloomy. i'm dark. i hate this world. 

i hate myself. 

i hate how i think about myself only. i hate how others think about themselves only. 

i hate how people are fake. i hate how i give in to being fake.

i'm a horrible person. i want to be myself. 

is being horrible or fake worse? 

explain to me how i can i am supposed to react when i know people are fake but i cannot tell those that actually trust these people? 

explain to me how to be that fake. 

explain to me how to smile and pretend i am ur friend just cos i need your help

explain to me why this world is superficially colourful. 

explain to me how i can control all these overwhelming emotions. 


and so the topic was, should assisted suicide be legal? 

i think, people should stop being selfish and just kill themselves and spare their loved ones the guilt from killing

what a horrible thing to legalise. 

they should legalise suicide, and not assisted suicide. 

 sometimes i don't understand why i cannot control my moods. 

i try my best. but i end up getting exasperated with myself and other people and inanimate objects :(

 people have feelings too. I HAVE FEELINGS TOO. no matter how boyish i may be. no matter how i seem to be fun to poke fun at, i have feelings. 

i'm already more emotional and sensitive than most people.

no matter how smart you are, u've failed to see that. 

i hate you. the people i call my friends

 my world now: research papers, me myself and the boyfriend. occasional catching up with the girlfriends. 

no. law school students are not part of my world. they are figures in the library i say hi to and get pretty surprised when they are nice to me, get wtf at when they act as though i owe them my life, get jaded at, and cannot be bothered with. 

looking at some profs, feeling that they are damn biased, damn unfair, damn wth and then come to the realisation that i wasted my time thinking about how horrible they are, cos that isnt going to change them

am i the only unhappy person in law school? i wonder why i call it law school instead of my school. 

 i used to think that at the very least, the "neighbourhood" gang in law school arent that fake. 

but WTF. they are fucking bitchy. 

if ppl are bitchy to u, u should be bitchy back to them right? 

fuck bitches. i hate them. 

but i shall not bitch back at them. cos i'm not a bitch like them. 

i'm better than that. 

 i love my Cappuccino 

i need my cappuccino...

tired...i'm starting to get reliant on coffee again

today i went to talk to a prof about the research paper that I have to write. He was really sweet to me. really.

being socially awkward me, i didnt really talk much about personal stuff but he egged me on... somehow i managed to ask him what i've always been bothered by --not being a shining enough star. i didnt have to use much words. i didnt have to explain much to him

he understood. he knew where i was coming from.

he told me i was special. he told me that even if my GPA isnt that high, even if i don't speak as well or write as well as others, there was something about me that set me apart from the rest. it was really sweet of him. and being me, i obviously asked him if he was just trying to be nice. (ok something that i think u arent supposed to ask). but he said he wasnt. and that there is really really no need for me to be lack of confidence!

then he went on to share with me how one day, i will be able to find something in law that i'm really interested in. somethign that will get me all excited over. something that the disillusionment that i have now cannot steal away the excitement i'll have

it is indeed quite exciting to even think about it now. to know that somehow, somewhere, sometime, i'll be able to find somethign that i'd be interested in. 

i'm really rather happy that he sees something in me (: (though i really do not know what. lol. just like how i do not know what my bf sees in me. lol)

but i know i have to bear in my that i have to find my confidence. have to. somehow. hopefully i will wake up one day with it :P

(: 

maybe it is true that everyone is made for something special (:

i want to shine like a star.

i want so badly to. i don't want to just be someone hiding at one dark corner. i believe i was made for more than this

i did a survey today. about whether i think character is genetically inherited. it related to how far a criminal should be punished for things he did not out of his free volition and whether he should be punished also because he was born like that.

am i born like that?

was i born escapist? was i born without feeling proud of myself? was i born with a bad temper? was i born unhappy

I'd never want to go home again. I need not be told how much I'm disliked all the time

i don't want to grow up. i don't want to be saddled with responsibilities and the need to feel responsible. i don't like how it comes with expectations of others being responsible too. i don't like how the world is unfair. i don't like how things don't go the way i want it.

i spent 1500k booking flights online. but i happily keyed in the wrong email. now i don't have my e-ticket and i don't know if the airlines will reply my email. i do hope they do.

emotions. angst. mood swings. depression. i have plenty of them nowadays. why. why. why. i don't like the part of me. can emotions even be done away with? yea managing is one thing. but doing away with it? is it possible?

sometimes i'd want to jsut be like allen boy. i think it's just so much easier

query where the tears flow from

From the sudden realisation that there is no point treating anyone, not even my family well cos I'll only end up being made used of?
From the realisation that my previous conception of siblings was wrong?
That I really never should put in so much effort for them cos they don't value u anyway?

From the realisation of naiveness. From the disillusionment extending even to my siblings.

What is there left to hope for? Am I bring sensitive again or Is this just harsh reality?

one whole day of meeting, another whole day of writing what was discussed and more into words.

i ought to feel a sense of fulfillment. but somehow, it's still tied to grades. even if i think i made good sense, i worry that the prof thinks otherwise.

sigh. why cant my sense of fulfillment be tied to the effort i put in?

Do not ever go to chan brothers to book a free and easy trip. Do not. ESP this guy called David. He will reprimand u for being stupid, for asking him things tt can be found on google or the Internet. He said, I believe these things can be found simply on google."

Ok then tell me what the hell is chan brothers for. For fuck.

Oh tour agency is just to be the "booker" of flights and accommodation. Not for u to ask things that can be found on the internet. Ok I get it. Another notable change due to the Internet. I think then with such minimal role for tour agencies, they might as well close down. Cos we would be able to do everything "on the Internet"

Tell me of something happy,
tell me of someone nice.
Let me know this world isnt
As bad as I thought

Having thoughts and thoughtsl fill up my head over and over again. I have so much angst so much, so much

Maybe i'm just slow and the result being the realisation becomes all the more impactful and the more hurtful

Who to trust. Tell me who. U cannot give me the answer ty though this person Is an ass and doesn't think im very capable, he is still my good friend. That's BULLSHIT. He either will never betray u for himself or he will. No in between. If he is an ass, he is.

I hate this world. Hate it. Why do people joke ard with others that they cannot trust? Why do ppl act friendly when they don't mean it! that's fake. Diplomacy is an excuse!

U are either nice or u are not. Don't fake it. It's very telling.

I'm hostile to you if I think you are an ass. I cannot help it. I am either hostile or I'm not. Period

Why would I care how the rest of the world feels? As though they'd bother about me. No reciprocity to speak of!

some people are really so disgustingly JIAN4 that i wanna just spit at them!

it's worse when others have this misconception that they are good, helpful and wonderful people! when all they are good at doing is to conceal their unethical intentions with outwardly superficial "kind" acts!

please. i hope people see the truth one day. that day ought come soon, lest they get manipulated too!

in the end, what can u say, what can u say, WHAT CAN U SAY?

ethics?

nah.

each man for himself.

what is the message u are giving out?

nah. do u even care?

ok. so now what? play the game or leave it?

nah. u dun have a choice.

u have ur own interests to protect.

welcome to the game you entered 2 years ago.

i really wonder if what my parents say of my change really as bad as they think it is. all around me i see my friends acting the way i am -- loving life, not striving that hard for school, just relaxing and reminiscing the memories we used to have.

or ought i be what i've always been? the one that strives for excellence, work work work, with a goal in mind and eventually have something on paper to show for that.

and then the question arise. why not achieve both?

i guess if it was really that easy, or if i had that much confidence in my time managemnet skills, then i wouldnt be becoming one or the other.

i wonder how i should really lead my life. i'm torn.

what we all have to begin to realise is that sometimes, people just don't like you. you can complain about everything they do to you. but you have to realise that what they do, is directed to YOU. maybe some other people as well. but generally, not to everyone.

special you perhaps may be? nah. i think it's either that the people around me have grown increasingly cynical, or that they were what they are now from the start. just that i always failed to realise what they were like.

did i say i no longer feel attached to law school? or rather, i really dun like it.

did i ever say that i'm sure that if i go to accountancy school, i have a higher chance of coping than in law school?

did i say i have more intuition and affinity with numbers than words?

i wonder why i actually got offered law.

ok la ok la u have grown up la!

Frigging pissed off. I don't wanna nag also right. Every young woman's greatest fear would be to be labelled as a nagging old woman. Nagging is associated with being old. Tell me, who would want that?

I could have spent my bloody time enjoying the rest if my hols. But no, I chose to take the trouble to do stuff for him, remind him of everything. But ok forget the fact that he never uttered a thank you. He forgot all that I repeated a million times and can simply tell me to move on and get over what he did. It simply slipped his mind. And he said I kept repeating myself.

So why now? I had to take it out on someone. And I simply made my dad dislike me even more. Tell me how this works out.

This whole week has simply been so horrid. As though karma is catching up on me. Have I been that terrible?

Being brought up in an Asian family, growing up with Chinese drama series, civil and moral education at school and so on would undoubtedly involve the influence of Asian values to an extent. But does it necessarily mean that we practise it?

If you really wanted something and someone gave you and another person this chance to have it as opposed to something else. But only one person would get it and the other would get the other option. It isn't based on merits. Just that you two have to decide who gets what.

What would you do?
Option A: say what u want
Option B: say you are fine with anything
Option C: wait for the other person to reply first. Hopefully he or she is an Asian. Then since he would hopefully choose option B, u can then choose option A

What would be your choice?

This is when caucasians laugh at us for being Asian and therefore let slip what we really want.

Option c would certainly be the best win win situation. But the risks are high-- what if the other party isn't or doesnt practise Asian values?

Aggro but u get what u want. Burning your bridges and neglecting the 关系 theory we Chinese are famous for?

What would be your choice?

As school's beginning draws close, the farewell gatherings to the students gg on exchange becomes more apparent. I can't say that I've known my uni-mates for the longest time. But they are the ones that have gone through shit with me in uni. Listening to my "worry over nothing" (quote cons) ramblings and cries, lending a shoulder when I break down and cry over relationship yet still laughing over my improper use of words -- bev

I would say they have been the closest to me thus far and have always been there. I love them both and will miss them so.

Uni life... Feelings so childish yet so truthful

Timbre tonight w them both added to my long list of memories at timbre ... From k, to levin, and other times with SIS ppl... Time with ppl that have have become but a piece of my memory, a once long ago in my school life

But timber shall hold no unhappy memories anymore... I know who matter and I will be contented with them... It is simply too tiring and waste of energy to bother abt ppl who don't matter

I love u cons and bev, or rather, "ben and company"... :)

When entries get deleted when u try to upload them, perhaps someone up there is trying to tell you, "forget those unhappy stuff that you just typed. They ought to disappear and never surface again. Just like this entry."

I'd be over the moon if deleted entries worked that way

At the end of the day, I look different from the outside but I've not grown up at all. The usual moodswings, temper, emotions have not changed.

I think my life is indeed quite a waste

I hate to admit the truth or tell anyone for that matter. But at the end of the day, this is me this is what I am like. Unsatisfied, uncontented, and so on, ME.

I feel ugly. Really ugly. With all my pent up emotions, thoughts and feelings. I give a general misconception abt who I really am.

Gibberish.

Nonsense.

Say hello to the real ME.

It's ok. I wouldn't like me either

is it possible to just hear the good things and ignore whatever hatred and angst the rest of the world has against you?

 xueying, nette, shall we do dinner again? 

 yea three more weeks till school start. then year 3 then year 4 and out to work. abit too early to feel that i don't really want all this to end. internships, school work have the ability to zap all the energy i have to have fun with my friends. i guess when friends are about to leave for exchange, as we gather together to bid each other farewell till perhaps months later, i dunno.. it feels horrible. 

okay when i'm stressed  out with work i tend to wish that it would be better without work, so that i can spend time with my friends. the grass always is greener on the other side. when will i begin to comprehend the fact that at the end of the day, i ought really to just enjoy the moment  and not worry about hte future that much. 

hopefully everything will be sorted out by the end of this trip...

hopefully i will come back, bringing everything i learn from my experience.. and be a better person for those around me...

 i swear i'd never want to hear from u. ever again. 

the simple things in life. spending time tgt, spending time reading, slacking, doing what i'd like. it's nice really. not that i'm  not doing anything. jus not as productive as usual.

this is what exams do to us. forces us to want life to be simple and normal...

leaving for scandinavia next sat.. have to pack soon...  

it's depressing to keep updating myself about swine flu. even more uninteresting to have the news report swine flu all the time. it's boring BORING. so many more uncertainties thrown into our trip... 

being sick is not fun. NOT FUN. not fun at all.. it's really depressing to feel all that i'm feeling now. 

from thinking
from searching
from pondering
from being afraid
from finding no answers.

weather's so hot i wanna die. it makes me lose my temper like crazy. scandinavia's temp is 14degrees celsius. i think i will freeze there but at least i wouldnt lose my temper

i was at lavender just now. i have no idea why i'm developing a disgust for those who degenerate into things that make them act like mere animals. i hate it when we humans simply degenerate, stoop down, lower ourselves to doing what animals do. we ought to be more than that right?

i wonder if everyone seeks to be more than mere animals, to be more than ordinary, to be what it means by being an intellectual human. i wonder how many have failed and then simply let their desires lead them. i will hate myself totally if i ever become like that.

okay i'm very angsty. it must be the weather. either it makes me angsty or it brings out the worse in me. i hate my inability to control these angsts that burst out.